2 assessments in 2 weeks.....

This is a long post:

As you all know my health hasn't been great for quite a while now and I've tried several medications without much improvement. My GP decided it was probably time to involve a psychiatrist for some medication management strategies. Yes my anxiety was through the roof before the appointment - it was a teleconference in the meeting room at the hospital I work but my GP and husband were with me for moral support so that helped heaps.

The psychiatrist was lovely (all that anxiety wasted!). He suggested to stay on the current medication but if it hasn't given significant improvements in a fortnight to increase the dose; also an additional medication to take to aid sleep with the longer term goal being to wean off the stilnox (it's really not good long term). He also recommended fish oil daily - not brave enough to try the liquid but I have been taking the capsules - I've discovered you need to take them with a cold drink or they dissolve quickly and you get an awful fishy taste when taken with coffee! His diagnosis was General Anxiety Disorder but he feels my low mood is in response to the anxiety and if I can improve this the mood will improve. He was really positive that there is medication that will be of benefit and I will get better. He felt returning to my place of work isn't in my best interests (which is what my GP feels) but ultimately his recommendation counts for nothing; it's what the work cover psychiatrist thinks that will determine my future. He also felt sympathy for my husband when I explained I quilt - his mum does too; so he understood every spare space needs to have fabric in it "just in case" and you never throw any out as it may be useful LOL!

The anxiety seems to have plateaued - I have had some benefit but not a significant improvement. I see my GP tomorrow so I'm sure she'll increase it. The medication to help me sleep does work but I dream a lot and they're not particularly pleasant dreams; I can't remember what they're about other than in most of them I end up crying and there's usually people from work in them - not sure I want to know what it all means!

Friday saw me having an independent psychiatric assessment for work cover . DH drove me down to the city but couldn't go into the appointment with me; maybe that was a good thing as she got to see just how high my anxiety levels get. The appointment took an hour - I had to go right back to the beginning and explain everything that has happened - I got quite emotional and teary recalling what happened last August and in February this year. She asked about the medication I've tried and what side effects I got from them (I couldn't remember which gave me what) and what I'm taking now. Had I ever felt there's no point in carrying on? I want to be on my own and not interact with people but I've never considered taking my own life.

Then we went into what I saw for the future. I explained emotionally I still feel empty and nursing is such an emotionally giving profession. I really don't have any idea what I want to do but I don't want to return to my current work place as I really don't feel supported and I've lost all trust; I've had another incident with my managers recently: 

I received an email from my manager a fortnight ago asking me to take annual leave (I have quite a bit owing); I discussed it with my GP who felt as I'm not fit for work I shouldn't take annual leave. I then had another email the day of my teleconference telling me I would be taking 1 months annual leave effective 28/06/14 and once I've been off for a year work cover will take 4 weeks leave from me! No consultation; no consent just "you will".  I felt really hurt and let down that they would treat me this way. My rehab consultant did some research for me and I can't be forced to take leave while I am unfit for work and work cover can take leave but only when I've been unfit for 12 consecutive months and as I did work in February they can't take any until Feb 2015 if I don't return to work.

My work cover manager had given some suggestions for what I may be able to do to successfully return to work; one was to work at a hospital over an hours drive away: I really don't want to go there; this hospital has amalgamated with the one I work at and my senior manager will be responsible for both! Another was working at the local hospital doing admin type tasks (I could probably manage this as it would be working in a small team without lots of interaction with others). The third suggestion was at a different hospital (about 50 mins drive away) doing documentation for aged care; don't know how I would cope with that as it would involve lots of interaction with residents/staff and families.

She didn't tell me what her recommendations would be or what her diagnosis was; I have to wait for the report to come through which will take at least 10 working days. (I'm trying not to stress about what might or might not be in it). This will determine where I go to work and what sort of a role I will have. 

Nursing's all I've known - I've nursed for nearly 30 years. Maybe it is time for a new direction! 

Hugz
Melanie
xxx 

No FNWF for me...... never mind baby steps learning to sit

Warning long post - but I need to get it off my chest..........

As you know life is a struggle for me at the moment. My return to work was a disaster so rather reluctantly I agreed to try some medication; unfortunately this really didn't work at all. People tell me I look better but inside I'm anything but. 
I had an independent assessment with a psychiatrist for Workcover. His conclusion was my health is all due to work and I've got a major depression and major anxiety. I'd sort of come to terms with calling my symptoms anxiety as opposed to stress but he was the first person to come out and say I have depression. I've probably been in denial about the depression for a long time but I still found it quite confronting. He did make some recommendations for medication changes and something different to help me sleep. I'm sure if I could only get some decent sleep that would help.

Yesterday I had a case conference with my GP, Rehab Consultant, 2 managers and my husband came for moral support. Before we began my GP showed my Rehab Consultant what I was doing on my return to work and the areas of the hospital I had to walk through. Her understanding at the last case conference (like me and my GP) was that I would be able to have as much or as little interaction with staff as I felt comfortable with but she could clearly see that that wasn't possible with what was asked of me. 

Well to say it was a disaster was an understatement. I'd written my version of War and Peace to explain to my managers how my return to work had made me feel. I was very clear before I read it out that I knew there was no intention to make me feel how I did/do but that this is where my mind is at the moment. I explained about the independent assessment and the recommendations (unfortunately the report still isn't available) and also that my GP has changed my medication but it's too early to tell what effect if any it is having. 

My senior manager commented first; he felt that what was asked of me was reasonable; he didn't recall that I would be able to have as much or as little interaction with staff as I felt comfortable with and that this is not possible at all. He felt that they are supporting me 100% and he doesn't see what else they can do. While he was commenting my direct manager just sat looking at the floor "clicking" the clip on her phone. 

I lost the plot a bit at this point (my thoughts were racing ++++++++; really felt as though there was no support) and I left the room rather than break down and cry in front of them. My GP came after me and I sobbed my heart out on her. Her suggestion was I go tell them to "F..." off (it's a standing joke between us because she knows I don't swear and won't swear but she feels if I did it might make me feel better but that's not who I am) which did make me smile. We discussed what I needed to get across to them and she kindly wrote it down for me as I wouldn't remembered when we walked back into the room.

When we went back in my direct manager spoke; she too felt that they were doing everything they could to support me (despite in my "War and Peace" I'd explained what I felt I would have been able to deal with). She thinks the suggestion of relocation may be best and she's at a loss of how to support me now. One of her comments was "You were one of us"; not are but were (I know I'm probably reading too much into that).

I read what I'd discussed with my GP when I had my melt down;the case conferences are causing me a lot of added pressure and  that I'm not prepared to attempt to return to work until the medication I'm on is working.

The psychiatrist I saw felt I was not ready to return to work. I will continue to see my psychologist and work on the strategies we discuss. My senior manager left with the comment "see you next year or whenever but the longer you take the harder it will be", my immediate manager didn't say anything just left...

The outcome is my GP feel's I won't be well enough to do anything for a few months and then it will be very small steps. When my head's in a better place we'll discuss whether we continue this path of return to my current position or if we look at other options that; for my mental health it would be best. Such as not returning to nursing but retraining for something else that would reduce the amount of work pressure. (My managers did tell me they're advertising my position as a temporary contract. To be honest I don't care, I feel that I should but I don't!).

I still can't slow my thoughts down (so no FNWF for me) and I can't sleep.... The new medication is supposed to help but I think last night I was just so stressed out a sledgehammer wouldn't have helped. The plan for tonight is medication and a sleeping tablet too (keep your fingers crossed for me)

But for all I'm really, really struggling I have tremendous support from family and friends; especially 2 bloggy friends (you know who you are). I have no interest in doing anything but they have given me some perspective, and some sensible suggestions - "one stitch on a stitchery is an achievement", "write a list of things you like to do" are just a couple of the ideas that I have embraced. I can come up with lots of things I would like to do but no incentive/energy to do them. Even choosing fabric for projects is too difficult but I am still reading blogs (I may not be commenting on many but I am still checking you all out). I have made one longer term goal to attend 

 "Let's Get Stitched 2015" (if it is on) this give me 12 months to get to a place where I'm comfortable with social interaction (I'm tending to be a bit selective about where I go and when) and to get the passion back for my crafting.

If you've managed to read this thank you; I'm hoping by sharing my struggle it may help someone else who is going through the same thing.

Hugz

Melanie

XX