Sunday, 25 May 2014

No steps forward just a shuffle.

It's been a while since I did any blogging - even "visiting" others has been a struggle these last few weeks. The latest medication my GP has me on doesn't seem to be helping much so at my last visit we discussed having a teleconference with a psychiatrist. The thought of this sends my anxiety through the roof but the rational side of me knows that this is the best option to set me in the right direction.

I've also been referred for another psychiatric review by work cover; again just gives me something else to stress about. I just wish they would talk to one another and for me to only go through one consultation.

My biggest fear is that either of them determine that I should go back to work asap. Each time I go into work I see the stress and pressure that the staff are under and I have no desire to put myself back into that position. Emotionally I'm still on empty; not able to deal with my own feelings/needs let alone anyone else's. 

I went to see my manager last week but she was "too busy" to see me - that hurt and left me feeling disappointed, even more unsupported and as though I'm in the "too hard" basket. The rational side of me again can look at it objectively but the emotional side is what's controlling me at the moment.

Mothers day left me feeling nothing. My youngest DD wrote me a beautiful poem and made me a bookmark and my elder DD bought me a voucher (with her own money LOL) and I know I should have felt immensely happy and thankful - I just felt nothing and this then led to me feeling like an awful parent.  I've talked about this with the psychologist and she thinks it may be a side effect of the medication - some anti-depressants can leave you feeling numb.

I know I have many blessings in my life and seem to be complaining about minor things but for this chapter in my life they are having a huge impact. I'm not usually emotional but at the moment I can feel myself getting teary often and then I fight to stop it; it's as though I have very little control over anything so the things I can control I'm going to.....

My psychologist encourages me to keep up with the blogging - it does help. She's also set me a task for next week - to write an account of everything that has occurred since last year. I have started but am finding this very difficult as I "relive" the events and that as you can imagine sends the anxiety through the roof!! but she says it will help in the long run to face these fears rather than avoiding them.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I've made some amazing friends through "blogland" and if by sharing my struggles it helps someone else then it's worth the anxiety to write it all down.

I'll let you know how I get on with the telepsych (it's not for a couple of weeks unfortunately).



Chookyblue...... said...

come on Mel be strong.....were here cheering for you so take our support and strength and use it to help you move forward.....go girl you CAN do it...

(she doesn't mean to write your year for a blog pos does she......I wouldn't do that but maybe writing it all down for yourself.....)

Motherdragon's Musings said...

Thinking of you Mel, been wondering how things have been going. Stay strong. Warm quilty hugs, Sharon xo

Susan said...

Hang in there, we're all thinking of you. X

Jewells said...

Mel, you are so strong writing about your feelings, better than bottling them up. I wish I lived close to you, as I would turn up, bottle of something "good" in hand and just chill out with you.

Katie said...

When I was a counselor working with kids I would have them write out things to and usually did help them to express things that they had bottled up for a while -- Best of luck to you in this difficult time.

Jo said...

Just getting up each day is a great step.
Well done.....